Babblings and such

Amazing Grace on display

Perhaps you are all three steps ahead of me and have already seen the movie about the life of William Wilberforce.  I finally managed to make it to the theater tonight to see it and was impressed by this man's life.  When turned upside down by the "Amazing Grace" of God through Christ, he struggled with the question of what would be his life's purpose here on earth.  Should he spend all of his days in solitude with God orshould he continue on in his already prominent political career?   In the movie, a small group of soon to be partners pled with him that they need not be separated. 

He sought to honor God by making waves in English parliament, working diligently to abolish the slave trade.  He realized that his association with Christ was very much on display in his work. "My walk is a public one," he wrote in his diary. "My business is in the world, and I must mix in the assemblies of men or quit the post which Providence seems to have assigned me."

He faced failing health and a seemingly hopeless unwillingness on the part of Parliament to undo such a viable part of their economy.  They portrayed him with passion, human weakness, and perseverance.  My favorite line comes when he seeks out the old preacher John Newton, author of the more than famous hymn. Newton, with tears in his eyes says, with a quivering voice, to Wilberforce, "I am a great sinner, Christ is a great savior."  The movie could have ended right there and I would have been replete. 

If you haven't seen it yet, I urge you to go.  You will not be disappointed.

So, I used to have a blog

To say it's been a while since I've written anything would be the understatement of the year.  I'm not sure what has kept me for so long except when you go a long time without writing anything but a lot of life happens in the meantime, knowing where to start can be difficult.  Attempting to catch up would be completely futile.

Every year at the start of the year I sit down and make my resolutions.  Usually, I make them so lofty and so numerous that they can't all realistically be accomplished in a year.  But that doesn't stop me.  (Is this familiar to anyone else?)  So, I went to Starbucks and sat for about 4 hours with a guide from my boss (to help me keep my head out of the clouds).  I had already been praying and asking God what one character quality I would like to see developed in my life this year and how I should spend my time and energy.  It was time to make it a little more formal.

Istarted writing down goals in every area of my life - spiritual, physical, intellectual, recreational, financial... and alas, there was a common thread woven through all of it.  Discipline.  The dreaded word.  And yet, by the grace of God a powerful force.  It was clear that discipline is the character quality needing development in my life and yet, I was still hoping to think of a great reason why compassion or hospitality would be better. 

Like any other excited goal setter, I have started off strong.  I joined a gym and have been waking up nice and early to go.  These early mornings are a beautiful thing because it affords me some extra time in the word every morning.  I have also found myself attempting to get a good amount of sleep (mostly in response to those early mornings).  I set up a savings account and upped my 401k deduction.  And it's official.  I'm boring.

But here's the thing - if discipline were just for discipline's sake it really would be boring.  There are many motivations that may or may not sustain me, but glorifying Christ is the kind of motivation that will persevere. The whole essence of discipline is that it is taking you somewhere.  And the destination is rarely found quickly.  -What is that book called?  A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.  (*note to self - pick up copy of Peterson's book)-   Long story short, I am praying for the grace of God to develop discipline in my life.   

Who knows, maybe I'll even become more consistent in writing.

I've got this song stuck in my head....

Rock of Ages, when the day seems long

From this labor and this heartache I have come

The skies will wear out, but You remain the same

Rock of Ages, I praise Your name.

Rock of Ages, You have brought me near

You have poured out Your life-blood, Your love,

Your tears To make this stone heart come alive again

Rock of Ages, forgive my sin

Rock of Ages, when in want or rest

My desperate need for such a Savior I confess

Pull these idols out from my heart embrace

Rock of Ages, I need Your grace

Rock of Ages, broken, scorned for me

Who am I that You would die to make me free?

To give me glory, You took the death and pain

Rock of Ages, my offering

Rock of Ages, "It is done," You cried

The curtain's torn and I see justice satisfied

Now write Your mercy here on my heart and hands

Rock of Ages, in faith I stand

Rock of Ages, my great hope secure

Your promise holds just like an anchor to my soul

Bind your children with cords of love and grace

Rock of Ages, we give You praise

Chorus:

Rock of Ages, Rock of Ages

Bind your children til' your kingdom comes

Rock of Ages, Your will be done

Words by Sandra McCracken

5 H's: Hopes

So, it's been a few weeks months since I've written anything.  It is time to break the silence and complete the 5 H's.  I started to write a completely different post and decided that I can't leave that last H hanging any longer.  So here we go.

Hopes.  I think this one is the most difficult one for me to share - even moreso than heartaches.  Perhaps it's because I feel hopes inadvertently indicate what you feel is lacking in your life.   It's not as though my life is not full, but there are things that I look forward to and long for.  Really, I have many hopes but only a few worth writing down for the public eye.

1. I heard John Piper pray this in a sermon once, and it has changed the way I think about ministry.  Period.  He prayed this,"Lord, use me in a way that is utterly disproportionate to who I am." That prayer has now become one of my greatest hopes.  I hope that when my time on this earth comes to an end and people talk about my life that they will be able to see the power of God, His hand, His intervention.  I desire that God would use me in such an amazing way that there would be no other alternative than to say - "Wow.  There is no way that she could have done that alone.  God is awesome."

2. I hope that I get to see Jesus return.  At the risk of sounding religiously fanatic - I have always thought (or hoped) that He would return in my lifetime.  Even as a little girl, I had so many questions about end times and at 8 or 9 years old felt so confident that I would be alive to see it.  I'm sure that every generation of believers feels that way.  I think there are some passages that indicate that Paul thought so. 

3. I am not unlike many other women in this one.  I hope someday to be married to a godly man that I am crazy about.  I hope to support him in ministry and, strong personality and all, submit to his leadership.  Again, if you know me well, you know that I don't think singleness is a problem to be solved.  I enjoy the luxury of my decisions not affecting anyone else too greatly, being able to serve with an undivided heart, and doing a lot of fun things that I may or may not get another chance to do.  However, there is a longing in my heart to glorify God in marriage, to love and be loved unconditionally by another person, and so on...  (Let's be honest, there are some things that are for my eyes only)

4. I also hope to influence and teach children (whether they be my own, Lord willing, or someone else's) to be devoted to Christ.  I used to think I wasn't much of a kid person.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I know that being a mother is a call to sacrifice and suffer.  I respect people like my sister so much, who are raising little ones.  Her life is quite literally not her own.  But I think the joys far outweigh the sufferings. 

There you have it, friends.  My heritage, heroes, heartaches, highlights and hopes.  Even if you don't care to have anyone else see, I highly recommend writing some of these down.  It has been a great exercise.  And thus, the silence is broken. 

5 H's: Highlights

There are so many things in my life that I would consider highlights - it's hard to narrow it down to a few paragraphs.  I almost wrote of coming to know Jesus Christ, but you can hardly categorize that as a highlight.  He is everything.  And everything good in my life is given at His hand.  I could tell you about the birth of my nieces and nephew.  Every time I am with them I find it hard to imagine loving any children more.  There have been many proud moments in my life - awards, graduations, accomplishments... There have been landmark times and turning points in my relationship with Christ. However, there is one highlight in particular I think it is necessary to share in light of the "saga" of the last three H's.  The story seems unfinished.  I want to tell of the time that I danced with my dad at my sister's wedding. 

I consider that moment something of a miracle.  Not because the event itself was anything out of the ordinary - people dance all the time... but because of what God did in both of our hearts over a long period of time to get us there. 

The summer after my freshman year in college, I went to a huge outdoor concert for the 4th of July.  As we were making our attempt to leave the parking lot, we had plenty of time to kill.  The guy driving starts telling the girl in the front seat about this song and he plays it for her.  It was a song written by the artist to his grandfather, who was an alcoholic.  I've only heard the song once, but I still remember every word to the chorus:

I would say I wish I could have known you
And I would say I wish you would have stayed
But most of all I would say I forgive you

As I sat in the backseat of that car, I knew that God would have me say those same words to my dad.  How could I, when I had been forgiven so much, withold that from my own father? I began to weep.  Obedience would be a painful.  That night, I wrote my dad a letter at least 10 pages long and told him everything from how I had been hurt to those 3 miraculous words, "I forgive you."  I told him that I didn't want to waste the rest of the years we had on this earth being strangers to one another.  I gave him all my contact information and left it at that.

3 months later, on my 19th birthday, I went to my dorm room and the phone rang.  I literally had to sit down when I heard his voice on the other end of the phone.  It was a short conversation, but it began the work of reconciliation between us.  We began to get to know each other.  We made attempts at phone calls and letters.  When my sister got married several years later, he gave her away.  At the reception, as he took my hand and led me onto the dance floor he said 3 miraculous words, "I'm so sorry." As we danced, as he held me (which he had not done in nearly 15 years), I was in complete awe of the work that God had done in both of our hearts. 

5 H's: HEARTACHES

Ah, the dreaded H.  Nothing is more vulnerable that I can think of than sharing heartaches.   Today, when we shared them in our girls leadership meeting my palms were sweaty and my stomach was in knots.  I got over it.

I almost hesitate to share any more because I don't want anyone to misinterpret these heartaches for feeling sorry for myself.  I am confident that God has purposed these for my good and His glory and I believe that sweet promise that His power is made perfect in weakness.  So I will boast in those weaknesses in hopes that His power will be demonstrated in my life. 

Some of the events of my past have caused me two heartaches.  The first is for a person in my life who has been deeply hurt by those events.  My sister is a wonderful girl.  I admire so many things about her.  She is strikingly beautiful, witty, and giving.  Yet she fails to see that she is valuable.  In fact, she spends a lot of time acting as if she were not worth much at all.  I see a lot of her "behavior" completely wrapped up in the abandonment we all felt both times my mom divorced.  Grace is a foreign concept to her.  She often feels like the church would cave in on her if she were to walk through the doors.  And it doesn't matter how much you tell her that there is no sin that could possibly discount what Christ did on the cross... she does not have the eyes to see or the ears to hear.  My heart aches over her more deeply than it has ever over my own scars.   

Oh, if dads only knew the magnitude of the influence that they have in their children's lives. 

The other is this - intimacy is difficult for me.  And I am not necessarily speaking about physical.  I have no idea how I will respond to that, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.  Even in friendships, I have to work very hard to figure out how to not run in the other direction when a certain level of closeness is reached.  It's not so much that I am scared of it anymore, but that I'm not sure what it looks like.   Several friends have helped me (and still are helping me) move further down that road by their loyalty and persistence in spite of my lack of effort.  I praise God for them.

I also used to have a deep distrust of the male gender in general, especially those of the handsome and charming variety.  Fortunately, God has placed several men in my life who fear Him and follow Him wholeheartedly.  I know they exist.  The current heartache is that I fear at times that none will ever want anything to do with me beyond a surface level friendship.  What it really boils down to is that I don't trust God with that area of my life to the extent that He is trustworthy.  I will always combat that with the truth that God is sovereign over all things.  It is a comforting thing to understand that God is sovereign and that God is good.  And God does not grant these things (specifically marriage) because we deserve them, but because He is gracious and concerned with bringing us to completion in Him.

Whatever your heartaches may be, may you find yourself casting your burdens first upon the Lord. And may you be eager to share the burdens of those around you.  You will not ever be too much, too overbearing, too needy for Christ.  His yoke is easy.  His burden is light. 

5 H's: HEROES

This one has been a difficult one to narrow down.   At almost every stage in my life, God has placed people there who have made a significant impact on who I am.   It would take more time than you have to read and I have to write, so I will narrow it down to three.  Two are what I call personal heroes - the kind of person that gets in on your life and you admire them up close.  The other is what I call a distant hero - the kind of person that perhaps you have never met, yet you admire for certain qualities they possess or things that they do.  I will start there.

If you know me well, this should not be a shock to you.  I can barely get through a theological discussion without quoting him or make a book recommendation without throwing out John Piper's name.  I don't even care that it is quite trendy right now to read him (which usually sends me running in the other direction).  There is something about the way that man writes that has made a connection with my soul.  Outside of Scripture itself, God has used his books more than any other to shape the way I think about who God is, to reveal sins in my life to be burned away, and to draw me into a more intimate relationship with Christ.  Despite growing up attending Bible teaching churches, I had never once heard that we were created for the glory of God.   I heard that first from Piper and that realization has turned me upside down and inside out forever. 

I suppose my first personal hero is no surprise either.  I adore my mom for so many reasons.  I know that she has flaws.  I know she has made a lot of mistakes.  I think that makes me love her even more.  She is a real person. 

There is one memory I will always remember very distinctly.  One evening my mom came home from work.  If I remember correctly, it was one of three jobs for her at the time...in addition to parenting three girls under the age of 8.  The electricity had been shut off.  No storm.  No lines down.  Shut off.  But that is not what makes her my hero.  It is what she did after that.  She lit oil lamps and candles all over the house.  She had me and my sisters change into our pajamas and got out our sleeping bags and pillows.  She pulled some ice cream out of the freezer and popped some popcorn on our gas stove and we had a slumber party.  Now I don't know about you, but when you are an 8 year old little girl and you get to eat dessert first and have a slumber party in the middle of the week, but that is a memorable night.  I remember laughing so hard with my mom.  She had such an amazing way of making the best of the worst of times.  I'm sure she must have cried after we all fell asleep, but she held it together and genuinely had a good time with us while we were awake. 

The last is a current hero.  I'm sure I have mentioned at some point that i live in the garage apartment of someone else's very beautiful lakefront home.  I don't know that I have mentioned the family that lives in that house.  Living so closely to the Langemeiers has been very redemptive for me.  Craig and Carrie have 4 kids and one on the way.  And they do family in the most God honoring way I have ever seen.  Carrie, in particular, has been a source of great hope for me.  Her heritage is  woven with brokenness and sin.  As a young woman, her greatest fear was that she would screw up her marriage or her family because of the baggage she brought with her.  It is almost laughable to hear her say that because they have such a strong marriage and are training their kids to be devoted to Christ.  Not perfect, but devoted. 

I asked her once about how she learned how to be such an amazing wife and mom given her background.  She told me that there was very little that she wanted to model after her family growing up.  Craig brought a lot to the table when it came to parenting because his parents did a great job, but really together they have sought the Lord for wisdom and asked to be led by His Spirit.  When they dated and in the early years of their marriage, they spent hours talking, reading the Word together and praying.  She said that there have been so many times when they  felt unsure or like they had failed, but that God has been their help and has given them grace to love each other and to love their kids. 

I have shared that same fear that Carrie had as a young woman and thought it would be better for the whole world if I just stayed away from having a family of my own all together.  And yet, I also have this deep seated desire to be the generation that is different.  I have wanted to make whole what has been broken by honoring God in a marriage and as a mother.  I don't know that God has that for me, but I no longer fear it in the same way.

5 H's: HERITAGE

Every time I attempt to tell "my story," my thoughts become so jumbled I can hardly say a complete sentence.  I also want to give a disclaimer that as a follower of Christ I cannot help but tie every event in my life to my relationship with Him in some way, shape, or form.  I also want to say that I love my family tremendously and am so grateful to God for them, so I have prayed that anything seemingly negative I write would be seen through grace giving eyes.  Please forgive this "babbling," I'll do it the only way I know how.

I suppose I should start with my parents.  They grew up in the same area and went to High School together in Pinole, CA.  I can't remember if they dated in high school or just after they graduated... not that that particular detail matters, but they were very young.  Neither of my parents were believers when they married.  Together, they went on an emotional roller coaster of sorts, so a lot of my early memories have the same feel.  Some things in our family were so wonderful and some things I would rather not remember at all.  I suppose that is true for most people. 

Both of my parents are passionate, sensitive people.  I'm pretty sure that apathy is the emotion that they would both find unfamiliar.  On one hand, I love that about them both.  On the other, I fear it.  When I hear people say that they never talked or felt like their parents were "closed," I can hardly imagine it.  Even if they were screaming at each other, thoughts and feelings rarely went unexpressed or held in for long.   As you can imagine, that made some arguments pretty explosive.  That happens when fire and dynamite interact.  Hind sight is 20/20 and as an adult I have realized what things were that I did not fully understand as a child.  For the purposes of something that is about to be printed on the Internet, the details are not so important.  Let's just say that things got rocky (and scary) pretty early on. 

My mom will tell you she was just lost and wandering.  She had asked her parents for help so many times. And his, for that matter.  My grandparents on both sides did what they could, but neither of my parents could figure out exactly how to make it work and to be perfectly frank, they were too stubborn and selfish at the time to do so.  I know they both look back and regret a lot from that season life.  They have both said so.  My mom, mostly out of fear, started taking me and two of my younger sisters to a little Lutheran church down the road.  Those precious people took our family in.  They cared for us and provided for us in some of our hardest times.  They shared the gospel with her and my mom was utterly and completely turned upside down by the grace of God.  There were no cultural motivations for claiming Christ - The Bay Area is hardly the Bible belt.  And while sanctification is a slow and, at times, painful process - my mom was a markedly different lady.  Christ had captured her heart.  And this lady was primarily responsible for my upbringing.

My mom was in and out of a few relationships after she and my dad divorced.  I did not speak to my dad again until I was almost 19 years old.  She remarried when I was 10.  Tony had been in our life for some time.  He and my dad were friends at one time.  Now that I think about it, they are not so different from one another.  Tony loved my mom.  And us.  I called him Dad.  I even took on his last name even though legally I could not.  He was wonderfully charming and usually had the best of intentions.  He moved our family to Texas when I was in 7th grade, which was a critical turning point in my life.  It was that year that Christ captured my heart and I began to relate to God on my own and not just through my mom or the church.  And while things weren't perfect (no family is), we were fairly functional.  We went to church together.  We spent time together as a family. 

I think it was more of a blow when Tony left than when my dad left (or was it my mom?).  I think with my parents, it was a relief.  Things were just so bad.  With Tony, it felt so personal.  I will never forget my mom's face when she heard from his lips that there was someone else and he was not coming home.  I have never felt God's hand and seen His provision so clearly like I did during that time.  Even more so than when my mom first came to know the Lord.  Again, the church that we were a part of at that time was the healing balm for my family, the means God used to administer grace.  They made sure we weren't alone.  They came and fixed things in our house.  They invited us into their homes. Often.  Even on Christmas.  They prayed. 

Now before this gets any more dramatic than necessary, I want to speak of the things that I think my family passed on to me that I am proud of.   I will leave you to make your own inferences about the things I am not.  I don't have time to tell it now, but the story of how my dad and I were reconciled is worth telling.  I may do that another time.  From him I learned passion.  He is a work 'em hard, play 'em hard kind of guy.  All or nothing.  He is also a generous gift giver.   He is creative and thoughtful in the way he gives them.  From my mom, I learned hospitality.  She welcomes in the outsider.  My mom has a way of making connections with every person she meets - no matter how different they are from her.   She is light-hearted and fun.  She makes the most of the worst situations and still manages to laugh when she should be crying her eyes out.  (Don't get me wrong, she does that too - which I definitely inherited from her).  She is one of the hardest workers I know.  She is a loyal and dedicated friend.

I could go on and mention the things that God has given me through my grandparents (Grandma Joan is also worthy of her own post) and my sisters, but you are probably tired of reading at this point.  But I do want to sum up my heritage with two words.  Grace and Redemption.  If ever I could see grace fleshed out, I see it in my family.  I am a firm believer that he who has been forgiven much loves much.   If you were to meet my family today, you might not even suspect that things were so broken at one point (unless you took note of all the different last names).  And I am blown away at how God continues to redeem even my own heart.    

5 H's

Camp is well underway.  We have been through two weeks of training and we just started our third week of camp and the dust is starting to settle from all the madness.  And then I remembered (vaguely, of course) that I had a blog at one time.  Hello blog.

Every Monday this summer, the girls on the leadership team and our director's wives will spend about an hour and a half together.  We began last week to share with one another "The 5 H's: Heritage, Heroes, Heartaches, Highlights, and Hopes."  It has been such a sweet time to reflect on God's grace in our lives and to get to know one another in a meaningful way.  I thought it only fitting to bring this exercise here.  I've not managed to escape a meeting yet without tears (of the best variety) so I will only share one H at a time.  And friends who happen to stumble across this, I would love to read (or hear yours) as well. 

Creativity and the glory of GOD

For some reason the creativity of God is never quite as evident as when I am at a zoo.  My precious niece, Kaylee, is turning 4.  In honor of her birthday, I took her to spend a day at the Dallas Zoo.   We walked around looking at all the funny creatures, from lemurs to snakes to tigers to okapi.  We giggled as we watched some of them play.  She kept saying, in that sweet little Texas drawl, "Look, Amy, look at that one!"  with all the wonder that a 4 year old still possesses.  I found that wonder to be quite contagious.  Their markings, shapes, sizes, mannerisms... It was so enjoyable to take in. 

We tend to magnify God's love, His power, and maybe even His sovereignty (which happens to be my favorite attribute of God)- but I can't think of the last time that I rejoiced and praised the Lord for His unmatched creativity.  He is solitary in His ability to create out of nothing. 

Perhaps the Lord has been preparing my heart to worship as I sought to entertain my darling little niece.  These past few days, through the blogs of a few friends (thank you Micah and Aron) and a great sermon I heard in the car today by Louie Giglio... glorifying God by way of creativity has been the theme.  We can make much of the name of Christ by singing a song, writing a poem, painting a canvas or throwing a pot to the glory of God.  And then today to remember that the creativity we express is but a shadow of the Creator.

BTW: I am not technologically advanced enough to figure out how to link you to it, but the name of the sermon was "Passion, Purpose, and Designer Jeans" by Louie Giglio if you care to check it out.  You can download it on itunes from Passion: The Early Session 01.